I have this unfortunate habit of going completely flipping insane over something fairly trivial right before I go to sleep. I don't do this every night - that would take far more mental energy than I have, thank you repetitive job and TV - but I do it often enough that my roommates just shake their heads and sigh the next morning, when I'm bleary-eyed and stumbling around the kitchen like a nine-month-old, because I just had to argue my point until stupid-o-clock.
There's never anything consistent that sets me off, either. Last week, I went spastic over how our house is never clean, even though there are ostensibly four adults who live there. Last night, I lost my shit at roommate Marvin over the way he phrased a comment about the causes of depression, which led to a two-hour over-the-phone argument, since he left for work right after he made the comment. For the record, the phrasing of the comment was something like, "There are studies out now in Europe that point to environment, mainly stress and self-image, as being the cause of the brain chemistry issues that cause depression," and it was said in a very slightly condescending tone and delivered at a slightly louder than normal volume, because that's how Marvin delivers factual information. And I got so angry that I triggered a cluster headache (hooray for feeling like someone is stabbing an ice pick into the back of my eye!) and called Marvin a lot of names (asshole, idiot, not human) and a lot of unfair adjectives (cruel, thoughtless).
Did I have a right to get mildly upset at his tone and volume? Yes. After six years, I finally sought help for what turned out to be clinical chemical depression at the beginning of January. Taking that first step to get help took all of my courage to overcome my fear of both the stigma of mental illness and my fear of disappointing my parents and close friends by, airquotes, "being broken." Marvin, who doesn't give a shit about what anyone else thinks, has difficulty understanding why this is such a big deal for me, but he was aware that it is a big deal and that I am extremely sensitive about the topic of depression right now. So I think I'm justified in feeling upset at his tone and volume.
Did I have a right to get angrier than a football fan on Testosterone Night after a drunken bender when his team loses and some asshole in the bar rooting for the other team laughs in his face? No. Mostly because I never explained to Marvin - or anyone else - why the information he gave me - that environment (stress and self-image) is the cause of the brain chemistry of depression - hurts me.
In my zany little brain, I've rationalized my need for treatment in a way that makes me capable of seeking treatment. That rationalization is along the lines of: "Well, my brain is fucked up because of nasty chemicals that are beyond my control. Therefore my depression isn't my fault, so no one can blame me for it, so anyone who tries is a complete fucking asshole and I can make them feel that way. Huzzah! It's not my environment, over which I have some control, like breathing exercises or meditation to reduce stress, so my depression isn't my fault. Go me!" So when Marvin said there was evidence that environmental factors can cause the brain chemistry, my ability to and reasons for seeking treatment were knocked down faster than a ballet dancer at the Running of the Brides. And that, my friends, is Not Good.
But after two hours of arguing and four hours of sleep, I've realized that I need to start thinking about the real reasons I'm upset before I flip my wig at someone who has made a fairly innocent fact-giving comment. And I really need to knock off the name-calling when someone doesn't immediately understand and agree with my viewpoint. I sound like Newt Gingrich when I do that.
Excuse me. I have to go throw up over the image of me as that slimy, history-distorting, amoral bastard.
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